Thursday, May 2, 2013

My existential dilemma

Like many people, I often (perhaps too often) find myself clawing against the age-old existential crisis: why am I here? and what is it all for? Usually I come up the same answer we all do: "Hey! Get your ass out of bed and get to work! We've got bills to pay! kids to feed! (and hopefully) dreams to achieve!"

But every-once in a while I can't escape this dangerous sensation that maybe life is just a distraction from the fact that we're already dead and maybe it's about time we gave ourselves a little show.

I'm not trying to play Hamlet or anything here, I'm just saying that sometimes it feels like every single moment can boil down to an awfully redundant choice between 'life' or 'death'.  And it just doesn't seem right that in every single instance where I care about who I am, I'm obliged to choose "life".  I guess sometimes I just find  myself tempted by one of those forbidden "what ifs?"

Like, what if the person I'd always told myself I wanted be was the person I am right now?  And maybe this moment is, in fact, all that there really is, or ever has been for that matter.  And maybe I should just take a second, one tiny little second, and actually try to appreciate everything this single moment has to offer me.

And then maybe all my hopes and dreams can go on without me while I stay here and just for this one infinitesimal fraction of a second imagine that, "you know what? maybe its ok for existence to just be this one single instance of completeness." Maybe this moment is the exact moment I was created for. Doesn't it just make such perfect sense?  Have you ever experienced anything more beautiful than the moment you're in right now? Just take a peak: Behold the entire universe!! Right here!! Right now!! This. This. THIS! THIS!!!!!!!

Nothing more please. I'm quite satisfied here. Yes, that's it for me. I'd like to get off the train now. I believe this is my stop. Hello? Existence? Who's running this thing?

Oh.. right.. its Me.

And I'm still here.

And those are my old hopes and dreams. Just over there.

And between us stand this paralyzing question

"what if?"